Tuesday, June 29, 2010

a random amalgamation of thoughts

So I have this idea... and in no way is it original in any way shape or form but... idk, I think it'll help me... prioritize my life, if you will. I think I'm going to start a never ending bucket list-- but not really a list a things I wanna DO but more like ways I want to FEEL. like I don't want to be kissed in the rain but I do want the feeling of having someone love me and only me when all the world is crashing down around us. I don't want to go bungee jumping or skydiving but I do want someone in my life that makes my stomach jump up into my chest and bully my vocal chords into shuttin the hell up because He makes words superfluous. Hmm...
We all think there are certain things we just HAVE to do in this world before we die but to me it's just a feeling I'm trying to obtain. Or even regain... #pause...
Hmm... regaining... I've loved someone before. Not been "in love" like people like to say but I've genuinely loved a man before, like.... like I heard Drake on the radio a couple wks ago & they asked him about whatever little shabang he & Rihanna had going on & he was like basically she gave 'em a feelin he never felt before and that he was grateful more than anything for allowing him to experience that & be a part of each other's lives however long it was. No remorse, no grudge, no bitterness. And that's the place I'm finally at, over a year later; in hindsight I regret nothing but I miss that feeling. I could say I miss him or that I would love to be back with him but in all actuality, I just want that feeling again. So I guess he's just symbolic of that feeling. And I almost slipped up & bashed another ex by comparing the two but I promised myself I would try to stop that ish. hmm... regret vs. lessons learned. I'm trying to get better at putting more things in that latter category, trying not to regret things that once made me genuinely happy just because they didn't turn out like I wanted them to. But it was one of those "wth was i thinking?!" type relationships lol and we'll just leave it at that. But I digress. That was just a little transparency for y'all instigated by the word #regain.
Hmm. #relive #re- anything. We humans like to live in memory I see. Instead of creating new things we like to bring old things back to create that sense of familiarity... comfort. #Weak! Lol that has to stop. Cuz I mean yeah I want that old love back but the thing is, the shiii didn't LAST, so why would I want that back? I guess I just want that feeling but very much amended ya know? So maybe I don't wanna regain... yeah I definitely don't wanna regain or relive or re-anything. I'm on that new shiii, I'm chunkin the deuces up-- no more hanging on to old things, old scents, old memories, old feelings. On to making new ones. So I don't want old ish. It has been confirmed; I don't want him... I want someone that will be an amended version of what he represents. And this goes with everything else in life! So #OnToTheNext :)
God is Love, Rev Run :)

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