Saturday, April 2, 2011

Anais Nin #GoogleHer

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

If all of us acted in unison as I act individually there would be no wars and no poverty. I have made myself personally responsible for the fate of every human being who has come my way.

If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it.

It is the function of art to renew our perception. What we are familiar with we cease to see. The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death

Monday, March 21, 2011

spiritual warfare

"sometimes the girl who's always been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her."

so i peeped this quote on twitter a little while ago. & as corny & clichéd as it is, i ALMOST RT'd it. but i realized that i would just be subtweeting myself in doing so. 
which only magnifies the truth in it.

i've been that girl. for a long time. it's draining dawg. but sometimes you get so locked into that mindset that you refuse to let people that love you take care of you. it's a rough place to be. it's like you're so compassionate towards everyone but yourself. the part of your heart concerned with your own well being is hardened. & you don't even realize that you HAVE to take care of yourself if you want to continue giving yourself to others. 

today a series of thoughts i had been marinating on for quite some time culminated into the most comforting of realizations. i realized that i had never been surrounded by so much God in the form of friends ever in my life. small circle that it is, my friends are constantly praying for me. & because they're so in tune to God, they sometimes know i'm in need before i acknowledge the fact myself. they spoil me. & i pity those who lack similar relationships. see ecclesiastes 4:10.

real friends pray. for you & with you. 

countless times they've prayed for me whenever i needed it from tests to interviews to nervousness before shows to overall random bad days, etc. 
& as if i'm not already amazed by that, there have been times where they've prayed for me without me asking. God would put me on their mind or in their spirit & they would stop & pray for me or message me with encouraging words. that's the most amazing thing i've ever heard of, let alone experienced.

there's something about a friend willing to go to war with you but it's another thing entirely when a friend goes to war for you in your stead. when a friend prays for you, they are engaging in spiritual warfare on your behalf, for your soul. & i'm still really trippin about God putting my life on on the minds of my friends. like for you to pray for me or encourage me before i even know i need it, before i even feel the void... it blows my mind because, like i said in my last post, for a long time i felt like God's favor operated by way of what a person did or didn't deserve. yeah i was dumb. but it's like... God had you thinking of me, of all people??? like who am i that you care for me that much? i'll never know. all i can do is shrug it off because comprehension of such a thing is unattainable.

the other day i mentioned  on twitter that we as people are good at having our friends' backs physically. we're always ready to fight & cut & kill for our brother. but part of being my brother's keeper to me means being there spiritually as well. fighting & cutting & killing for them in the spiritual realm is so much more important i feel. 

so i'm overwhelmed. & mad grateful for friends that fight for me when i don't even realize my spirit is on the brink of war. for friends that remind me that my emotions & thoughts are mine. remind me that i have ownership & dominion over them. that i can pick & choose, that i decide how i feel. mad grateful for friends who are concerned with my life outside of this physical world. 

i encourage you to find solace in meaningful relationships. not just numbers. quality over quantity. demand more from your life even if it means you have to change some things or people you're used to. it's amazingly refreshing, trust me. do right by yourself & make room for God to bring some spiritual warriors your way.   

random realization #4892

my faith & i don't have a very good track record.
i've spent a good deal of my life afraid to pursue things that i knew in my heart i wanted. for a long time i didn't understand God's favor on my life-- why He would see fit to bless me, why He would give me the desires of my heart. i was operating heavily in the mindset that miracles & other seemingly epic things couldn't happen to me-- why should they? what about me deserved good things? more often than not i wouldn't even bother to 'waste my time'  believing for the things that i longed for. i was that insecure in my faith. & God help me if i did go out on a limb and believe Him for something & then not get it? now i can chalk it up to my will not being in line with His but then... then i was just too through-- no more asking & believing, i'll just take whatever He gives me. & of course the ups & downs of school & life & relationships & breakups only fueled this fear, this belief that i wasn't deserving not only of good things, but of good things that last. in fact, relationships played a huge part in this. it seemed like it took sooo long for a good thing to 'happen upon me' & then just when i was getting used to it, it ended. i'd watched everybody around me come into seemingly good things & so logically i wanted to hold on to mine forever. my faith was so nonexistent that i actually feared that loved had escaped me for the first and last time. so from then on out i was scared of being let down, i was scared of the risk it took-- i was living with zero expectancy & now i see that that's definitely not how he wants us to live. i had to get out of the mindset of ME deciding what i did & didn't deserve & get into operating in His favor.
& this JUST happened maybe in the last year or so. the real challenge came when i was faced with this whole poetry thing-- i reached a point where i had to either stepped into & accept or reject the calling i no doubt felt. more insecurity came because i understood the weight & caliber of such a calling-- i felt inadequate as ever. & i still do sometimes as a matter of fact. but it's a daily activity, a daily realization that i'm actually conceited to think that all this is really about me & what i can do & what i deserve-- i realize that this is about the God in me, taking into account my flaws, faults, imperfections, bad habits, insecurity & all the things that make me NOT God. every insecurity i've ever felt in my walk of faith has been a lack of trust in God... now that i really think about it, that's all it is. but what a huge deal it is, was & is trying to become. i have got to step my faith game up in all areas of my life. "if it can happen to anybody, it can happen to me. if it can happen anywhere, it can happen here. & if it can happen at any time, it can happen now." there's no doubting God's favor on my life. & i have to make myself operate in it, daily effort that it is, it's so necessary.
but that's wasn't my intention for this post lol
i intended to say that i'm scared again. but this time for the opposite reason. after all that time spent living with no expectancy i see that things are starting to turn around now that i've changed my faith. now that i'm aligning my will with His, not only are the things i want coming into view, i'm also realizing that the things i want are stemming from what He wants for me. so now these things are becoming real. & i'm afraid because i can actually see these things i was so afraid to ask God for or that i was neither prepared nor ready for before. now i see them on this road that i'm on. God is doing amazing things in my life, He's put amazing people in it-- my life right now is like nothing i've ever seen in spite of everything that i could mention that i'm not exactly happy with or in control of-- God is still good. & He has been this whole time regardless of my own past perceptions.
so yes, i'm afraid. i'm scared.
but i'm thinking maybe... maybe it's just more of a pleasant apprehension :)

Friday, March 18, 2011

a word to the poets

so lowkey prior to the diverse verses meeting the other day, i had been thinking about the group pretty heavily already. i wanted to encourage them some kind of way.  i wanted them to realize what lie in them. & coincidentally we ended up just kinda kickin it with the discussion we had.  i was forced to speak as usual lol but i couldn't get the meeting out of my head-- what was said & the great deal of insight that we got a taste of in that room that night. so here's what i wish i would have said had fear not gripped my heart lol

"inhale/ receive -- exhale/ let go. make sure you're breathing effectively. both literally & metaphorically."
i wanted to first thank the poets. your choosing to write is a simultaneous choice to answer the call on your life. it's clear that you all are gifted & there's no shame in me saying that yes, it's from God.  you've all been blessed with an amazing voice & not only that, you've chosen to use it. accepting the gift is the hardest part. believe me, i fought accepting myself as a writer for the longest time because i felt inadequate.  & even still, i came into this thing with those same feelings of inadequacy which resulted in me carrying this gift like more of a burden rather than a blessing. but i don't see that in you all. the weight of whatever is in your hand is all in how you choose to carry that thing.  

the mantel of a poet/ writer/ griot/ bard/ storyteller/ preacher/ minister/ evangelist/ messenger is indeed a heavy one. so first i want to commend you & thank you for choosing to carry it in the first place. every time you write, every time you spit-- you are answering the call. & secondly i want to encourage you & even charge you to practice the art of breathing.  it is a necessity especially in this sort of calling. there are two facets of breathing-- the inhale & exhale.  i know a lot of the time, we messengers tend to be givers & focus on giving only.  & i'm theee most guilty of that-- we're so used to having a word for everyone else that we forget to apply the message to our own lives. we exhale so much & give so much of ourselves that our lungs collapse & we become drained because we choose not to inhale.  we miss what God has for our own lives because we're so used to providing for others.  so we need to make a conscious effort to inhale in the sense of staying tuned to what God has for us even in our own writing.

exhaling is also important, not only in the sense of sending out a message but also in the sense that we need to expel waste from our hearts & minds. i know personally i'm guilty of ignoring my own thoughts, feelings, stresses all in the name of being a messenger but that is probably the most unhealthy thing we can do for ourselves & for those we try to reach.  when i write or speak about the things that are bothering me or causing me pain, they become real. we know there is great power in the tongue & so sometimes if i don't speak about an issue i'm having it makes it all the more easy to act like it doesn't exist. which is not good lol by any stretch. so with the help of the people around me who love me, i'm working on taking care of myself emotionally so that i can better take care of others. 
so. pretty sure i just lost track of what i was saying.
so. God is love. rev run. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

me & pat

so pat & i did this exercise one night #PAUSE. anyheaux lol we did a kinda freestyle poem where we just went in from wherever the other left off via text message & this is what we came up with. it's us alternating & i start off. catch it lol 

me: I loved you in ways you didn't know you deserved

him: I remember how your smile fixed puzzles, putting my heart together was pure practice

me: You had a smile like a nursery rhyme. The warm of my mother’s skin, the seams of my favorite shirt. Between the home in your eyes & the heaven in your heart, I’ve never felt closer to God.

him: The first time I heard your voice my soul exhaled, stripped naked and rested. I felt home.

I was garden of eden naked in the cool of the day. Your love rested on me like warm rays of a God smile, I was well done & unashamed in His eyes.

Unashamed because in your eyes my heart saw its reflection for the first time. And any insecurity was wiped away within a dark brown lens

In your eyes I saw the love my heart deserved all along. A love once blurred by the regret of distance and time. You windshield wiped me back into existence.

I was resurrected into someone just as naïve as before. Knowing there was no need in learning lessons that won’t be put into practice. So that I wouldn’t toe this pool but that I would cannon ball into it.

You took me back to before. When love was as easy as folded notes & answer choices. Black & white like yes or no but since then I’ve discovered a thousand or so alternate pronunciations & definitions. There isn’t just one way to spell out this thing we have but I guess synonyms aren’t so bad after all.  

The protagonist to my story, the muse to my life, taking me higher as the inspiration to a destination that I am blind foldedly following the sound of your presence. The song that plays my worries favorite lullabye and my soul’s theme music.

My heart lies in the symphony of your smile. We have a certain frequency about us that reminds me of life’s purpose, reminds me why I’m doing this. While love is action to some, you & I have made our dwelling in His most imperative of commandments. We love with intention only, with reason & legitimacy & an intimacy that can only be described as 2 puzzle pieces finally discovering where they truly fit in. find comfort in my curvature. & malleable martyr that I am, I will mold to your whim. Let’s be gods & earths again, forge a new me around your ribs that will start this world over again & I will gladly be all the love you never knew you needed.

That's why i love you in ways you didn't know you deserved. because it was how He wrote it. and how he wanted me to be blessed.

attraversiamo l'un l'altro

so i wrote this over the break & the homie mojo hit me up ironically talkin about she had this floetry type idea. #wordup. so she ever so angelically sung jill scott's 'he loves me' while i spit this here. p.s. ignore the numbers & whatnot, they're just cues to myself lol

[[3:13 total to spit]]

[1:32] I love the way your voice tastes when you are smiling.

Love the way you let your words drip with sweet sincerity-- The fruit of your lips, these subjects & predicates are ripe tonight so what’s in a name?

Bring your lips to mine; say it one more time & I bet I can tell you.

Bring your forearm to the small of my back, arrest my body to your own & remind my ribs what it feels like to be a part of you again.

Kiss me on my neck & remind me how fine I am.

See it’s so easy to forget sometimes. I bet eve wishes adam would have kissed her just one more time to make her aware of how fine, how blessed she was before that serpent came to trick her. See these snakes be tryna trick me all up & down the boulevards, tryna convince me I’m missin something that they think they got
But I keep the taste of your words on the tip of my tongue so when I lick my lips to respond I’m reminded of your smile.

[[2:34—instrumental gets breathy, airy]]

Dab the cool of your breath onto the nape of my neck so when the breeze blows just so, your affirmations of amor resemble tempting tongue & teeth in the spaces where my neck & ears meet. Shadow me like an eager intern. Allow your presence to linger on the brink of annoyance—I know you want my job. & believe me, I want you to have it, see I’m tired of taking care of myself, of carrying myself, of being strong all the time
Allow my lips to memorize the form of yours & fill my lungs with words you haven’t even gotten a chance to say see I don’t even know you yet.

But when I’m tempted by these devils wrapped in snakeskin & latex I feel your warmth behind me. Idk what you look or sound like but I know your warmth.

It’s served as a comforter on many a cold night & I know the taste of your voice—a spoonful of sugar to chase even the most bitter of medicinal liquids. You’ve given me the closest of intimacies untainted by messy lust & undue trust

I know I’m a melancholy poet but baby I ain’t really tryna break your heart this time around. See the music’s just right & this rain against my window got me feelin like maybe God dropped the perfect beat for us tonight on purpose

The only thing confusing about this thing we have here is the tangled mess of limbs, this web we weave of where does mine end & yours begin. I’ve always been a skin baby. & I think I recognize the taste of your voice behind that smile in your eyes so come over here. Attraversiamo l’un l’altro. Let’s cross over each other tonight. Bring me that warmth I recall so fondly from perhaps another life, breathe that brown sugar lullaby onto my collarbone this time & remind me just how fine I am… Before it’s too late.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

acquisitions in the near future

1. ipod touch-- i know i'm all the late. shuddup.
2. i'm tryna get tatt'd yo!
3. an old school record player. & records of course.
4. some beats by dre headphones
5. derrick rose. yeah. i'm serious.

... to be continued...