random realization #4892

my faith & i don't have a very good track record.
i've spent a good deal of my life afraid to pursue things that i knew in my heart i wanted. for a long time i didn't understand God's favor on my life-- why He would see fit to bless me, why He would give me the desires of my heart. i was operating heavily in the mindset that miracles & other seemingly epic things couldn't happen to me-- why should they? what about me deserved good things? more often than not i wouldn't even bother to 'waste my time'  believing for the things that i longed for. i was that insecure in my faith. & God help me if i did go out on a limb and believe Him for something & then not get it? now i can chalk it up to my will not being in line with His but then... then i was just too through-- no more asking & believing, i'll just take whatever He gives me. & of course the ups & downs of school & life & relationships & breakups only fueled this fear, this belief that i wasn't deserving not only of good things, but of good things that last. in fact, relationships played a huge part in this. it seemed like it took sooo long for a good thing to 'happen upon me' & then just when i was getting used to it, it ended. i'd watched everybody around me come into seemingly good things & so logically i wanted to hold on to mine forever. my faith was so nonexistent that i actually feared that loved had escaped me for the first and last time. so from then on out i was scared of being let down, i was scared of the risk it took-- i was living with zero expectancy & now i see that that's definitely not how he wants us to live. i had to get out of the mindset of ME deciding what i did & didn't deserve & get into operating in His favor.
& this JUST happened maybe in the last year or so. the real challenge came when i was faced with this whole poetry thing-- i reached a point where i had to either stepped into & accept or reject the calling i no doubt felt. more insecurity came because i understood the weight & caliber of such a calling-- i felt inadequate as ever. & i still do sometimes as a matter of fact. but it's a daily activity, a daily realization that i'm actually conceited to think that all this is really about me & what i can do & what i deserve-- i realize that this is about the God in me, taking into account my flaws, faults, imperfections, bad habits, insecurity & all the things that make me NOT God. every insecurity i've ever felt in my walk of faith has been a lack of trust in God... now that i really think about it, that's all it is. but what a huge deal it is, was & is trying to become. i have got to step my faith game up in all areas of my life. "if it can happen to anybody, it can happen to me. if it can happen anywhere, it can happen here. & if it can happen at any time, it can happen now." there's no doubting God's favor on my life. & i have to make myself operate in it, daily effort that it is, it's so necessary.
but that's wasn't my intention for this post lol
i intended to say that i'm scared again. but this time for the opposite reason. after all that time spent living with no expectancy i see that things are starting to turn around now that i've changed my faith. now that i'm aligning my will with His, not only are the things i want coming into view, i'm also realizing that the things i want are stemming from what He wants for me. so now these things are becoming real. & i'm afraid because i can actually see these things i was so afraid to ask God for or that i was neither prepared nor ready for before. now i see them on this road that i'm on. God is doing amazing things in my life, He's put amazing people in it-- my life right now is like nothing i've ever seen in spite of everything that i could mention that i'm not exactly happy with or in control of-- God is still good. & He has been this whole time regardless of my own past perceptions.
so yes, i'm afraid. i'm scared.
but i'm thinking maybe... maybe it's just more of a pleasant apprehension :)