Thursday, March 3, 2011

katrina, the levees broke. part two.

i'm really not much of an extrovert.  i'm a leo/virgo cusp baby so in short, my life doesn't make sense lol i look at both of these signs and i'm pretty much divided straight down the middle.  but lately i find myself relating more to the virgo in me as far as keeping my emotions to myself and things like that.  i'm realizing that i thrive in intimacy.  i feel most comfortable being me in small groups of people, even more when it's a one on one interaction IF we're close. otherwise it's just awkward lol but anyway i've been realizing lately that there's a certain discomfort i feel within groups of people. like even 5 to 6 people depending on who they are.  i literally feel myself pull back and take on the position of the observer.  more often than not, i feel like the more people there are, the more drained i feel.  and this isn't always the case but it has been for the most part.  i don't know what it is or how to better explain it but i can't take too many personalities in at once, it's overwhelming to me.  and i don't know if it's the third eye poet thing and being sensitive to the different vibes different people put out or what but it makes me feel so socially awkward sometimes.  like i feel like i suck at making friends and interacting with people and things like that. it's weird, i know lol but i try so hard to be extroverted and interactive and things and sometimes it works. in fact, a lot of the time, i can pull it off but it's not me usually. maybe it's the performer in me.  who knows.  it's strange though. awkward.  i want to be able to thrive comfortably in both spheres but i haven't gotten there yet.  not quite comfortable in myself yet i guess.
but anyway, i'm rambling.  what i meant to get at with this post is that oddly enough 9 times out of 10, i don't like being alone.  my thoughts become idle, and because i'm a writer, they tend to take me places i don't want to go.  and i know what they say about an idle mind but i haven't mastered control of my thoughts just yet.  as mentioned before, i let this third eye torment me sometimes. almost like i see too much.  i feel too much.  and so i have to make this daily, hourly, moment by moment effort to dedicate my subconscious thinking space to God because i can't handle this here bro.  it's a heavy thing not to be able to trust yourself with your own thoughts dawg.  so not only pray for us writers, pray for all those with any spirit of discernment or sensitivity to the heart of man.  because it's warfare everyday.

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