Thursday, March 3, 2011

katrina, the levees broke. part one.

welp, it has been confirmed-- i am not completely crazy. well at least in this sense-- earlier in our DV meeting, me & prince had a brief sidebar about the burden of being a poet & trying to move through life with this third eye or sixth sense if you will. first and foremost, it's heavy. i mean it's both a blessing and, i won't call it a curse but it's not for the weak hearted. there's a certain sensitivity to the world around you that comes from being a poet.  & sometimes it's so hard to tune into yourself when there are so many other demands on your heart.  & it doesn't even have to be intentional pulling from you or people using you; it's just like a shadow or a thickness in the air you can feel when someone else is hurting or grieving.  it's hard to describe and even harder to carry this calling.  it's almost like having to be responsible and in tune to the welfare of all those around you and so in that... awareness, it gets so easy to lose yourself and your own sense of well being.  it's rough bro.  it's a balancing act to say the least.  and i'm far from steadying the two sides.  in fact, i doubt i'll ever master such a thing; all i can do is keep my mind right and pray i can keep a good hold on God's peace.  the kind that passes all my meager understanding.
in this season i'm learning to take time for me.  to be responsible for me.  be accountable for my own emotions as well as a reservoir for others'.  and in carrying another's burden i absolutely have to be more careful about making it my own so much so that i put more energy towards it than they do.  or that i let it take me over entirely.
lately i've been ignoring myself.  and i haven't been happy.  i've been holding too much the wrong way.  it's put a strain on my heart, my mind and my emotions.  i need to start taking heed to my own words & recognize that sometimes God speaks through ME to ME.  & mad gratitude to the kid boogie for helping me see that.  more often than not i become so comfortable in the discomfort of being on the giving end that i don't receive what God has for me in my own writing.  sometimes i need this third eye to see myself better.  i'm tired of letting this 'gift' torment me.  it's not of God.  demons torment.  i need this writing to take on its angelic form in me again.

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