Wednesday, November 17, 2010

no sleep tonight: part two

the hardest part about having a music box heart is deciding which melodies to play/ i long to hold 16 gigs and play every weeping willow ballad ever written, every riff and run of travailing prayer in your garden of gethsemene/ when you asked God to take the pain away, to remove this cup from your hands, i heard you/ and, if i could, i would take every cup from you/ take them back like shots of hard liquor, if it meant it would keep you from stumbling through this life in a drunken stupor of struggle/ let me be your drinking buddy/ i will match you shot for shot, treble clefts & half notes of sorrow until my heart is just as full, if not, overflowing-- i was created for this/ with this ironman music box heart, let me hold your muse/ we were made friends by divine incident, sisters by holy convocation-- it was not meant for you to be alone/ this piece was not meant to be a solo but an ensemble/ so let me accompany you/ and, because i'm selfish, i will steal the show, snatch the mic from your hand in a drunken rage and no one will notice when you leave the stage free/ i will let them crucify me/ so when your heart comes near to bursting and your weeping willow ballads begin to crescendo, allow me to wrap my arms around you/ let the steady bass of my esperanza spalding heart keep you, drown out all that seeks to paralyze you/ and we will sway to these sad songs together/ the drunken dance of the depressed and downtrodden/ and though disparity and displacement be our muse, i will not let them take you under/ i will hold on for dear life, for your life/ and i promise, i will not let your heart break.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

no sleep tonight

i flip through old photos of us/ and i realize that, yes, the poetess was right-- sometimes love ends just like this-- in 2 dimensions/ so i comb through our skeletal remains/ polaroids of past passion/ we are frozen in memory of ourselves, the you and i that was us at one time/ captured smiles & constricted muscle solidified under ash/ it was not the eruption that killed us, not the lava that burned us-- it was the debris & the secondhand smoke that constricted our airways/ and so here we lay/ freezeframe tricked into being genuinely happy because this midas touch we had sounded like such a good idea until your heart turned to gold, no longer malleable by the warmth in my palms-- baby you turned cold/ and so i turned around/ in hopes that you would maybe come back to life if you thought i wasn't looking/ but one swift about face later, she had you standing at attention and i haven't felt at ease since then/ i love you/ but only because my heart loves you, only because my spirit longs for you, because our souls, they match/ & so i just do what these things tell me because love itself is incapable of reciprocity & unlike violence & racism & war, there is no justice or peace in love/ no piece outside of the ruins of what was our pompeii/ the mighty has fallen/ & the mighty was me, & me only/ a king mourning his metallic daughter/ an emperor bathing in the remnants of a dead city/ i have melted what was left of you & formed it into a locket/ &, yes, i make pilgrimages to our mt. vesuvius from time to time/ but if this sounds like a heartbroken lovesick take me back piece, just know that my heart is far from it/ this piece is just my periodic hero worship eucharist in remembrance of the one that taught me to love in the first place/ i in no way regret you & sometimes i may even miss you/ but i'm tired of this brian mcknight internal longing for what once was, on some "do i ever cross your mind anytime" bullshii-- miss me with that, "i will no longer audition for your attention"/ so when you come back to look at our photos, i won't be there/ see baby, i found my pulse in my womanhood, heard myself smile until i could not see & while you were turned around not looking, i came back to life again.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Open Letter to the Current Residents of 6203

*except for yall heaux asshh lil baby sheep dawg
OR "Popsicle Thug Love: installment two, End of Year Reflections: part one"!!!

so of course, me being the OD thinker that i am, this whole popsicle thugfest we had talked about has been on my mind a lot lately as i consider people's roles in my life & learn to separate the leaves from the roots & whatnot. & so consequently i've been thinking about you guys. #pause, #word to jerrid for preaching that in HV the other day. when he told us to stop & think about having another year of life, i immediately thought of you guys.  because this time last year, someone i was sooo sure was a root in my life, proved that she was indeed a leaf.  around this time last year i was learning a whirlwind of lessons, none of which felt particularly good-- i was learning how to be alone without being lonely because little did i know, God would soon break me from people that i wasn't aware weren't good for me.  #sidenote-- spiritual and emotional growth can be THE absolute most painful growing pain ever in life lol anywho tho, he opened my eyes to sooo many things that everybody saw but me. but i digress.  the biggest change between november 10, 2009 and november 10, 2010 is a change of scenery and surroundings.  & that's where you harTlets come in.  so fastforward to me writing poems about yall individually & thangs & God gave me the idea to address yall as a household first because of what just being in the place where you all dwell has done for me... because literally, 6203 has become a place of refuge for me.  & i doubt you will ever understand the caliber of people you are & thus the type of environment you've created, not because your mind can't grasp it, but because i can't put into words what yall have done for me in the short time since we started kickin it heavy this summer.  but, you people have called on me to try. & so, here goes:

metaphorically, 6203 is my sanctuary and our friendship is my religion.  literally, the freedom i have there and the fact that any burden i may carry is nonexistent after i cross that threshold has been my salvation this semester. a lot of ppl get caught up in religion-- in services, masses, rituals, traditions-- so much so that they lose sight of the fact that all God wants is a relationship.  with that being said, i literally feel closer to God when i'm with you all-- his most important commandment is to love & i have experienced nothing short of an outpouring of God's love through yall every time i'm in that house.  when school and work and organizations and relationships and the weight of being a poet alone got too heavy for me, i found refuge in 6203.  i'm taking 17 hours, working two jobs [I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THISSSS!!!], puttin in work for a couple organizations, tryna figure out wth ima do with my life and who i'm gonna get to do it with-- that's a full plate lol but i literally feel weightless in yalls house.  i know that there was many a time when there were things i woulda coulda probably shoulda been doin while i was kickin it with yall but... i could not miss the therapy and the relaxation in arguing and jumping around and effin shii up and cussin out yall lil baby sheep and... etc. etc. lol. my point is, in 6203 i felt more at home than i have ever felt in the 2 & a half years i've been on this campus & for that i cannot thank you enough.  you all taught me that you don't have to play with the first kid that invites you to the sandbox, that if ever there was a time to be selective about who you choose to surround yourself with, college IS that place because people WILL assume things & lump you in with whoever you claim your friends to be.  and for the first time, in a long time, i'm proud and humbled to be associated with BLACK WOMEN at baylor university.  because heauxs can be so so so sooo triflin these days-- this we all know, so sadly this thing we have with each other is looked at as a miracle, as a feat of epic proportions as if we weren't created to love so yes, i am proud.  proud to have succeeded in this-- or rather grateful and blessed that God has allowed me to be apart of something so... rare these days.  he thought enough of me to surround me with women whose reputations do indeed precede them, his favor is amazing; the fact that he would give me you all to personify HIS love, to make that ish real to me??? it's crazy yo. so yes, i AM friends with dede, i AM friends with coco, i AM friends with muhfuggin mojo jojo! ... i don't consider myself to be friends  with a lot of people.  to me being a friend entails something much deeper than this kindergarten bull these kids at this school tryna pass off these days.  so in an effort to be more specific we say family and that's who yall be.  i effs wit  a lot of people who think they know me, think i like them, think we friends but yall know good and well i hate everyone.  most people i come in contact with on a daily basis i can actually live without. and of course that's no fault of their own, i'm just very low maintenance.  it don't take all day to realize sunshine & i don't need all of everybody in my eye tryna make me feel important and gas me up.  plus when you have too many friends, they be havin birthdays, they want gifts fuh holidays & shiii, ain't nobody got time for awwllllat! but i digress again lol i have my team, my squad. everybody else are just subs.  & we all know subs ain't never good as first string. so thank you.  for letting me see the heart of God in your eyes, hear His voice in your smiles and feel his love for me in your unique hospitality; i could not have made it had you all not let God use you as vessels for his work.

so this is for MY colored girls.  who have ever questioned God's love-- His intentions, His directions, His presence-- but are realizing that His love... and Their love... is just. too. real.