Wednesday, June 30, 2010

#OldStuff :: Contradictory Expectations

dear great expectations,
dear maker of boxes,
dear you who are irrelevant,
I am not the person you think I am…
But then again, I never claimed to be…
I never claimed to be perfect or well rounded or all put together
I never claimed that I had it all figured out
I never claimed to know wth I’m doing
No, these were all assumptions assigned to me by you
You who are irrelevant, you who smile in my face but behind my back it’s a different story, you who assume self perfection while expecting failure from all the rest
This is the box you put me in; you expect so much &, simultaneously, so little
Your life is life’s greatest contradiction
You put me on this pedestal only big enough for one foot to stand on & watch me struggle to stay within these four walls
These four shrinking walls attempt to contain my greatness, to limit my happiness, to abort my dreams before my heart has a chance to birth them
These four transparent walls attempt to make me inhuman, immortal, unforgivable, indefatigable…
but that’s cool…
prepare to be disappointed.
because truth is I’m tired, I’m dying, & I’m far from immaculate
These are all assumptions
Assumptions that my smile means that I am “happy”
Assumptions that a dry eye means a healthy heart
Assumptions that the S on my chest means that I am super woman…
I don’t fit in
I don’t belong
This S on my chest is for Survivor
See even when im compressed & upset & distressed
I still strap up that vest before each & every test
Oh yes… I’m a survivor
I am the one thing that is not like the others…
& that’s totally okay with me.
So you who are irrelevant, “perfect”, hypocritical, “chosen”, you who are contradictory to life itself,
...I imagine that it takes more effort to be someone you are not?
Just remember that the box you’re so comfortable in was only made for one.
So if you find yourself getting angry or upset or disappointed with the things that I do or the life that I live, remember…
That I never claimed to be any of those things you assigned to me anyway
So, in conclusion:
I think that if I am doomed to be miserable either way, I’d rather be miserable just being me.

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