Wednesday, June 30, 2010

#OldStuff :: The Things She Carries

[[pray for forgiveness >> alicia keys]]

it was her first time
she knew that because of this, it might take awhile to get it right
& yes, it would hurt
but it would all be worth it
that's what she told herself
see, the weight was becoming unbearable
&, of course, it would only be this once
just this once
that's what she promised herself...

"she" is not a victim of bulimia nervosa
she's not a skinny white girl standing over a toilet trying to decide which finger to use

is me
a girl who holds so much in
paper in one hand, pen in the other, she is buckling under the pressure of words unsaid
dragging daily under the weight of thoughts confined to her mind

she's been binging all this time but she can't hold it in any longer
she is full of stupid mistakes, heartbroken apologies & fearful confessions
once hidden in the unconscious recesses of her mind, they now force themselves into her chest
the acid burns her throat as potential words threaten to manifest themselves, dancing across her tongue...

but as much as she would love to confess, to apologize, to be free
she can't
she swallows hard, forcing the thoughts to return to the depths from which they came

maybe it's pride that won't allow her to express her emotions thus making her vulnerable, revealing her "true identity"
or maybe it's fear that her words will fall on deaf ears unwilling to hear her heart beyond her stammering syllables
or maybe she doesn't understand how ppl could respect her in her weakness...
support her in spite of her failures...
love her because of her flaws...

whatever the case
she continues to hold all these things inside
right next to the other things she'd rather not acknowldge:
regrets, fears, unrequited love
adjacent to things she holds for others:
secrets, burdens, promises

for these are the things she carries
the weight of which, she thinks, makes her strong

but unbeknownst to her, or rather, hidden under all these things
is the knowledge that one day
she will have no choice
but to purge her heart of the mistakes, the apologies, the confessions
the fears, the regrets, the unrequited loves
the secrets, the burdens, & promises

one day she wil have no choice but to put down the things she carries

*It's not the burdens of everyday that drive men mad. It is the regret of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves that rob us of today.

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