Wednesday, January 12, 2011

BOOM BYE YOW! whoop there it is

I wonder if they know how beautiful they are in this moment. Through the tears & heart ache & that angry hurt that only manifests itself in hot tears & cool words. When all of life is up against them, this is when they are most beautiful. When they band together in struggle it’s like a brilliant mosaic, a four way intersection of four women, 20 years of life behind them, God knows what ahead of them. All they have is each other, here and now in this moment. This is for my strengths. They guard my heart when the threat of loneliness comes to lay siege to my soul. They carry the weight of their individual worlds on their shoulders like atlas but when we’re together they still manage to shrug a little dirt off. my sisters. You have a way about you that makes me want to tell you everything. I have no line of defense strong enough to keep your love in check & I wouldn’t dare deploy it if I did. We are a paradox of hearts, you gird me up with this vulnerable vigor whenever our paths meet. It is phylicia rashad having coffee with michelle Obama. & asata shakur. It is a mary j & lauryn hill duet . it’s a little willow & sojourner. It is rosa parks & zora neale Hurston & nikki Giovanni & ntozake shange.  You are my colored girls. Who turned to loving each other when the world said our thick hair and thicker hips were insufficient and too much but never ever enough. Baby this is for you.

To my pookie. I did not know your cousin. but I saw a reflection of the phenomenal woman she was in your tears. & from what I could see there is so much of her in you still. Your heart is a vice grip, your love a strength that holds your family together. I know being a protector comes so easily but if ever you forget what it feels like to be the held instead of the holder, just come out of your room, hook a left and I’ll be asleep on your couch as usual. Come shake the ish outa me & tell me some story that I’ll laugh my hindparts off about simply because you are the one telling it to me. Pookie don’t you ever let nobody else speak for you. They just eff up the details & they’ll be nowhere near as passionate about your life as you are so keep that pedophile smile that goes perfectly with your kevin hart epiphanies & set up an evening fuh yaself… because you will always be my favorite story teller.

To my mojo.  I remember the day you called me crying. I prayed that morning would not catch you mourning this lost love, that the sun would not tease you & come up until you were ready to smile again. I prayed that what was to come would be better than what’s been. you kept telling me to go back to sleep. & I kept telling you no. when I told you I would be there whenever I meant it wholeheartedly. But as broken as you were at the time I could see why you thought I might leave so for the record, I’ll repeat myself. Whenever. You need anything. I will stop everything to be by your side.  & I wish I had some good ol country down home Monroe, LA metaphor to seal the deal but sadly I’m just not as cool as you so know this—any time you talmbout goin on a fugg shii up spree my nigga it’s nothing. Food stamps just rolled over today & between the four of us we got 5 jobs—we’ont have to take this shii!

To my boogie. The hardest part about having this music box heart of mine is trying to decide which melody to play. I’m not a musician but I have an ear for good music so when I hear you trying to force a smile from your heart I know something is off key in your life. Baby I promise you, it’s okay to break sometimes. See as far as people go, being broken doesn’t make you any less significant, it just means that maybe your heart’s wealth went unrealized in the past. I respect those cracks & crevices to be battle scars & lessons learned. So remember, whether or not you are worthy of this is not up to you to decipher. you will always be my byungajamonetalysiaharissjoshbennetninaruff poem. So keep these words in your heart in case you ever forget who you are & out of its abundance, let your mouth speak these things into being.

To you all. I pray that God redeems all the time & love, heart & light you ‘ve invested in those that never learned the rules of proper reciprocity & I’m overwhelmed with gratitude to Him for allowing me to be involved in the blessings that are your lives intertwined with mine. I’m sorry if you’ve ever caught me staring but there is an enigmatic splendor that burns through your skin& in an otherwise dull world filled with so many anchorless relations but no steadfast relationship, it’s kinda of hard to ignore. I’m sorry for every time I ever hugged you a little too long, a little too tight. I was just trying to reach inside of your heart & bring its desires to life. Let them take in their first breaths, see I have a na├»ve faith that just can’t seem to understand why soldiers like you shouldn’t have every good thing you deserve. So I’m sorry for those times, when my love was too hard or too heavy—I was just trying to love the hell out of your lives so forgive me if I have sinned. but I’m thinkin God might let me pass on this one.

So in conclusion, thank you. For letting me hold your tears and your hearts. Thank you. For bringing me in & reading me the stories of your lives reflected in those tears, the life in your blood. Thank you for being my lifelines. My sisters. Thank you for being love to me. & in doing so helping me believe in it again. 

Addendum: & to all those who have ever had a problem with my sisters, to those of who you got beef right now at this very moment or are even thinkin about startin drama for any reason… run & get done up kiddo. Step to my sisters in an unwholesome fashion & you will ever so cordially be invited to meet the dysfunctional part of me that still can’t figure out why the hell I’m in social work anyways. I swear that girl hates everybody. Idk about catching a grenade or anything, I’m too quick for that. But if you do happen to qualify for any of the above discrepancies I will gladly ensure that you catch these hands in a timely manner that is most appropriate & expeditiously convenient for both of us. Sincerely, management J

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