Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Random Realization #934798

"sometimes when God wants to protect you, He removes someone; and when He wants to bless you, He sends someone..."

a friend of mine gave me that word a few days ago.  this quote pertains to so much more than i initially gave it credit for.  i kinda been marinating on it on & off since then, picking it apart, conceptualizing it... 2011 is upon us & i can't help but think back to years passed. 

specifically it opened my eyes to an old relationship that has recently become relevant again.  an ex of mine had been heavy on my mind for the last month or so maybe.  he was that first love kinda kid.  the one where afterwards, you swear up & down you can stay friends. but you can't. at least not right away. in the nearly two years it's been we 've made a few attempts to be friends between the two of  us, to no avail.  each time we were trying to fake a growth & a maturity that wasn't there, trying to force ourselves to be at a place to which we had not yet arrived.  i texted him merry christmas saturday.  he opted to call back & we talked for hours.  & it was easy.  didn't feel forced or out of obligation, no longer felt premature in our efforts.  it was easy.  the day we broke up a friend told me straight up, "yo it's over.  & if it's meant to come back around, then it will."  & if the relationship aspect of it does come back then i'm down.  but i must say i'm quite content with this simple restoration of friendship.  you never know how important good ppl are until you feel/ fill the hole they left.  & i didn't know that this closure was what i needed until it happened, didn't know i was missing anything until it came.  whatever's supposed to happen between us, i will be patient.  i will trust God.  i refuse to try & make anything happen on my own.  what God has for me is for me & i refuse to try & manipulate His plan.

in a more general sense, it helped me see that 2009 was a year of removal & of letting go & of protection while 2010 was a year of sending in, of introductions & entrances.  '09 was by far thee hardest year God has seen me through.  matter fact, we'll talk about 2009 in depth in another post one day lol long story short, God separated me from some people that i swear i couldn't live without-- 2 in particular.  one was my best friend at the time, the other was my man friend at the time.  i can see now that both of these "breakups" were to protect me though at the time i was sure it was the end of the world.  i see now that the man & i had to split quite possibly to protect each other.  after catching up with him the other day i see that our lives were similar in that we went through alot of the same things while we were apart. we both went through very raw and painful growing stages that i know for a fact would have killed us had we stayed together.  & sometimes that's the way growth is.  everybody wants to be grown but nobody wants to actually grow because it hurts.  & as immature as it is, hurt people hurt people.  lesson learned.  notice i didn't divulge into particulars about the ex best friend lol that's for another day.
2010 though... that's another story entirely.  please believe it was not without its ups & downs, hell & high water, trials & tribulations.  but i was surrounded with amazing people to sustain me.  this year He sent me peacemakers, He sent me manifestations of His love & His favor that i would not have survived the year without.  2010 fully embodied the second half of that quote & since they know who they are & i've been alll the mushy about them before in this very bloggy blog, i'll bow out gracefully before i get in too deep :) #pause

the same friend that gave me that good word up there also told me that a time of restoration may be upon some of us right now.  & i truly thank God for it should that word pertain to me.  whatever He decides to do in this season, i would hate for Him to do it without me.  so God i'm down.  for whatever.  i won't strive against You.  whatever You got going down in 2011, take me with You.  please.

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