"ramblings about love: why i love my friends & hate everyone else on some eff them other nigglets cuz... well, you know the rest- type ish."
but as you can see i changed it lol
so a good friend of mine told me she loved me today. ok well actually it was yesterday seeing as how it's runnin up on 5 a.m. now but anywho-- like out of nowhere she just hit me wit that 1-4-3 & for a brief moment in the taco bell line, we talked about love [cuz we'ont pass out in drive thru lines when it comes to grubbin round here!] ... what it is, & what it isn't, etc... & of course me being the OD thinker that i am, i really haven't been able to get the concept of love out of my mind/ out of my heart, since then... & so here i am with this random amalgamation of love ramblings in these here wee hours of sunday morning :)
black people do not love each other enough. black WOMEN do not love each other enough. we instinctively hate each other initially as a way to protect and validate ourselves when we were created to love. but thus is the de-evolution of the black woman and consequently black love altogether because socialization has changed our very nature to one that no longer nurtures. we are catty, we are evil, we are guarded. but when we love each other i swear it's the most beautiful thing. but between harsh words & side eye glances, many of us will never see this love.
luckily, i have. i have witnessed a love like an eternal electric current, an infinite transfer of energy unlike most friendships i've been in since i've been in college. this relationship i have with my current team... is not one of constant sacrifice & trial, of constant taking without reciprocity. this love we have loves like a circular definition, it loves redundantly, like synonyms, like burning kinetic energy. it loves like it's never been hurt. & truthfully, without those contrasting contrary "friendships" i don't know that i would be able to appreciate the ones that i have now as much as i do. these people that i have are FAMILY. so yes, cliches get played out, but only because they're true-- everything does happen for a reason & yes seemingly good things do fall apart so that better things can come together...
... & clearly i suck at trying to convey thoughts & feelings in a straight up nonpoetic way these days so maybe this will help understand how i love the ones i love & what it really means for me to do this:
first, a quote from the aforementioned love conversation--
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this..."
so I love you because I know no other way than this..."
hmm... selah... pause & reflect.
& now for my own words:"i don't love often or easily. but when i do, i mortal kombat rip my heart from my chest inscribed with a suicide note of my own fingerprints & offer it to you to consume like tribes in 3rd world countries so that maybe you can taste the courage it took me to do so in the first place. i offer it beating feverishly out of its element, at the altar of your finicky affections in hopes that maybe mercy would be granted just this once & my sacrifice not be made in vain..."
"maybe it was not meant for me to love. but i do still. with reckless abandon i love just to spite the universe because defiance is the strongest motivation so i love to prove that i am capable. prove that i have a broken vessel human heart & not an energizer ironman apparatus, not indestructible but rather made for destruction-- it loves like helicopter blades fighting through arctic blizzards. like an iditarod race because winning is not synonymous with survival, winning is not coming out on top. winning is loving like your heart is made of cinderblock instead of paper mache, like it's a porcelain doll instead of a pinata, like love is holy matrimony worship between mother nature & father God not a lonely, pleading prayer in the garden of gethsemene. not a cross to bear-- i love like an elixir... like a balm in Gilead... "
"i am a daredevil lover. not an evil kanieval stuntman catapulting out of cannons through rings of fire, my heart loves like an aging indian man treading barefoot over hot coals slowly & deliberately like debussy's 'claire de lune' on a baby grand-- a perfectly pitched premature piano solo accompanied by no one... i give my heart straight-- no chaser. because eventually, the risk it takes to remain closed tightly in a bud begins to outweigh the risk it takes to bloom..." #wordup to miss keys-beatz
#ToBeContinued. sensual seduction for anyone who guessed that those chunks will most definitely be part of a poem one of these days. but i digress.
anywho. i love because it's the only way i could think of to show my appreciation for all that is done for me and in me. i don't have money, i'm not the cutest, i'm not the coolest. i don't have status or accolades. but i love like my heart IS an energizer ironman apparatus. i love like i am invincible. i love like the shirt off my back is yours. like whenever you call me i WILL be there, no cliche. like i'll carry your cross when its splinters rub your shoulders raw. i do not love by understanding or logic or because our lives make sense together. i love by being present. because, for me, love is time. is marathon conversations about money, sex, God & all of the below. is catching the itis & napping together. is running through apt complexes snatching up spare tires & goodie bags. love is government sponsored debauchery by night, fried bologna sammiches by day. & the fact that i just sung "oscar mayer has a way" to spell b o l o g n a lol love is attention deficit disorders & nothing is wrong with us. love is knowing that heauxs ain't people cuz #wordup to Aristotle.
love is not knowing how to properly close out a blog & deciding to just tell you that ima go get some cereal cuz the sun gone be up soon. so in conclusionary type ways, love is hoping this makes your day :)